Mas mahal nila yung Ex

Dear Ate Emz,

My fiancé and I have been dating for almost 3 years now and we’re already getting married by the end of this year. I don’t have any issues with my partner, our relationship is pretty solid. But there’s this one thing that I’m so bothered with.

So as we started our relationship we already knew who each other’s exes were. I was glad that he was very open about it and I had no problem with it at all (of course, I know it’s all in the past) but as a girl, I had this urge to stalk his exes. That’s when I found out that the ex and his family are still getting in touch. My relationship with his family is ‘okay’, I’m not too close with them, we are civil. But sometimes, I can feel they’re still awkward around me. Going back, as I stalked her, I saw her being so active w/ his family’s comment section, liking and hearting each other’s posts. Birthday greetings, kamustahan, I was okay at first. But in the long run, I knew it was already affecting me. I know that their on-and-off relationship in the past only lasted for a few months, but I also know that his family liked her a lot. She even calls my fiancé’s mom ‘Ina’, which I never did. And for three years, I stayed on the ‘tita’ side just because we were not married yet. I was saving that because I wanted to call her ‘Ina’ when we finally tied the knot. And for his ex to call her that, I was envious. This morning, I had to borrow his sister’s phone, I accidentally saw her messenger and found out that the ex and his sister are still exchanging convos. I opened this to my fiancé and seems like he didn’t want to do anything about it. He was okay that his family is still keeping in touch with his ex.

I am extremely bothered. (I can’t help but compare, that with my previous relationships, I also got close to my ex’s family. But when I knew that he had a new girl, I cut all ties with his fam, even unfriended them on Facebook just so I could give respect to the new girl and their relationship. Madaming tanong ang pumapasok sa isip ko that actually questions my worth (in being part of the family) “Ayaw ba nila sa ‘kin?”, “Why is she still in the picture?”, “do they think his ex is better than me?” At sa loob ng tatlong taon, nasa kanya pa rin pala ang boto? Enlighten me Please.

Salamat,
Ronah

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Dear Ronah,

In any relationship, TRUST is very important. Within the 3 years of exclusively dating each other and planning to get married by the end of this year, your situation now is indeed one of the reasons for you and your fiancé to seriously talk about. Otherwise, your relationship will not be healthy on your part.

It is really part of our culture that you do not only marry your spouse, you also marry each other’s’ families. For us this is very important due to our close family ties. Good enough if your spouse is very strong to stand on his two feet and stand by you, and not be swayed or affected by whatever his/her family thinks or his family deals with you. The two of you are the ones leading your own life. But you know, you can never totally avoid relating with each other’s families and it will also take a toll on your relationship especially if each of you has a strong attachment to your own families.

The ex-girlfriend and his family surely have already established that close relationship with your fiancé and you cannot take it away from them. You have no control over his family’s relationship in spite of the fact that they (your fiancé and his ex) have already broken up. It implies that the ex seems to have won their hearts. Compared with you, maybe they have not gotten over their fondness for the ex yet.

When you confronted your fiancé about this, as you mentioned, he responded to you that “he didn’t want to do anything about it”, which means that he is not bothered by it. And I think this seems to be an assurance on his part that he is out of the scenario with the closeness of the ex with his family and it is their own business. However, the problem lies in your own perception which reflects your feelings of envy because you have observed that you are not receiving the same “warmth” or closeness from his family. And you seem to consider this as a threat to your relationship with your fiancé now. It is not only envy that bothers you. But the truth is, your trust is shaken, your acceptability with the family a great challenge… And if you are already married and this outlook on your part continues, then this will stand between you and your husband-to-be.

His ex is far different from you. When you cut off ties with your ex’s family, it does not mean that other exes will do the same. Each one has his/her own way of dealing with broken relationships. You have to respect that. You have no control over how others will deal with their own brokenness. For his ex, let it be, for as long as you have his fidelity and assurance that “he didn’t want to do anything about it”.

Be yourself, do not let this comparison disturb you. You will remain bitter and unhappy if you live your married life comparing yourself with the ex, trying to be as warmly accepted by his family, if not surpassing the same. She will always have something better than you have. In the same way that you will always have something better than she has. You have your own giftedness, your own unique ways of demonstrating your love and commitment to your spouse. Remember, you are the one chosen to be the future wife. You don’t need to be “likeable” for them. Better said than done, but you just have to love them too, no matter what their dealings are with you at the moment. If they see how much you love your husband, I am sure their way of dealing with you will also bring about changes in your perception as far as your acceptability is concerned. What is important is that your husband will stand by you in spite of all these issues. Strive to make your own married life a happy one, focus on nurturing your own married life not so much on pleasing the in-laws because you can never achieve this to the fullest. There will always be perceived flaws because nobody is perfect, remember this. One important thing …when you are married, live separately from your own families.

As mentioned, enhance your own giftedness as a person…you have plenty of that. Above all, let your married life be centered on God…and all else will follow. Before your wedding, establish your altar on the place where you will have your abode.

God bless you more.
Ate Emz