Musing on death

The thought of being on death row is one of the horrific possibilities that we naturally get rid of in our minds. In the movie “Just Mercy” (a 2019 film about poor people on death row who were victims of political maneuvering and unjust judicial system), Herbert Richardson (a war veteran and convicted of killing an 11-year old girl with a pipe bomb), before his execution, told his lawyer a striking line : “I have no ill feeling and hold nothing against anyone.”

When you are condemned to death, it evokes intense fear and desperation. However, despite the hostile situation, Mr. Richardson was still able to muster his courage and gain peace. Like Socrates, he accepted the cruel and unfair verdict with complete dignity and humility.

How is that possible? Would it be comforting to note that death is just an inconvenient passage to another life?

One undeniable fact of life is that we all die. Thinking about death gives a fleeting feeling of fear, yet it stays for a lifetime. We are all concerned with questions about life and death; and when we are confronted with the notion of death, it brings out the philosophers in us. The following experiences allowed me to have a glimpse on how struggling death could be.

First, my drowning experience was my near-death experience. It was during summer vacation that my friends and I decided to swim in a collective water pond that was originally an excavation site. I was so excited to jump into the water as my friends were inviting me to dive into it. I thought that the depth is manageable because my friends were in upright and in a stationary position, with their heads above water. I did not know that they were only treading. When I got into the water, I became terrified because I could not step on to the ground. As I struggled to breathe, I kept kicking my legs, but I could not fight it. Good thing that my friends were there to rescue me instantly and from there on I concluded that drowning is a painful way to die.

My second “death row” experience was during the time that I competed in a jiu-jitsu tournament in 2019. I did not have a restful sleep the night before the tournament because of extreme anxiety. I trained hard prior to the fight but that did not contribute to my mental condition. During the day of the actual fight, while waiting for my bout, I told to myself, “This might be the feeling of a person who is about to be executed in the next 30 minutes.” There’s no going back; I had to fight and endure the process. There were four fighters in the category, and I got eliminated in the first fight and I won in the second bout and got the bronze medal. For me, it was a victorious death.

I think these experiences are inconveniences that need to be endured to live well. In jiu-jitsu, when the opponent is putting a lot of pressure against you, it reveals the stark reality that if you want to be good at anything, you must work hard for it. The pressure that brings discomfort and difficulties to move and breathe normally are sometimes like roadblocks in personal and professional life. You need to endure it and learn to work your way out. In life, when we are pushed, tormented, we are given the chance to learn and grow.

In our own versions or moments of being in a “death row” (financial difficulties, verge of bankruptcy, long-standing relationship problems, challenges in health, etc.), our deep yearning for answers is magnified. I recalled, during Lenten season, the passion and death of Christ draw us in this compelling thought that “hope is born in Golgotha despite the arduousness of life.” Truly, God is incomprehensible and oftentimes the answer to our prayer is to endure the (painful) process, to be able to cultivate faith, patience, and reverence to God.

In our death row, He came to die, and He redeemed us, with the sacrifice of His Flesh and Blood offered on the Cross. (Francis Manayan)