Does a Seminarian need to Commit to a Romantic Relationship—Girlfriend?

Have you ever fell in love with someone? Have you ever expressed your love with great passion and joy? Have you ever experienced having a girlfriend? These questions, although not applicable to all seminarians, will always be brought up during our individual colloquium with our formators or even with our spiritual directors. Why? Because this kind of experience would allow us to open a window which we are not able to notice and we are led to see a part of our human formation which helps us to assess ourselves if we are already developed and knowledgeable on how to deal with things with regard to this particular aspect. It is necessary for us to check on this aspect to see our motivations clearly. There is some aspect of our “love life” that somehow will affect us in our understanding and decision making when it comes in choosing our vocation. For example, there are seminarians who choose to become priests because they don’t want to have a family, there are some who choose to enter the seminary because of the result of heartbreaks and breakups, and there are also a bunch of them who enter the seminary for the priesthood, etc. These are some examples as to why seminarians must be clear in their entering to the seminary.

Remember
The Seminary is a place of formation for young men who are inclined to the priestly ministry and believe they are called by God to become his future Pastors of the Church—priest. The moment a seminarian enters the seminary, one should be mindful that he should allow himself to be formed not by his own but by the help of the formation and the formators directing him towards in the image of Christ. This means that the moment you said “yes” to the formation you are already leaving your old ways and allow yourself to be conformed according to the formation, that is, being given and molded according to the image of Christ. Whether a seminarian is from a “minor seminary”, “college (philosophy) seminary”, theology, “associate” or even a late vocation, one thing for sure is that he must submit himself to the formation.

Love: happiness, commitment, and sincerity
Every person wants happiness in life. But this happiness is only limited to particular things which is determined by the person himself. Love is what they say that will give you happiness more than you can think of. Indeed, love makes you feel better in many ways. Love allows us to have commitment and sincerity of what we are trying to express and do. On one hand, the married life also has this kind of aspect which a couple needs to develop and achieve. On the other hand, it is the same way with the priesthood. A seminarian is also expected to give his full commitment and sincerity, his mind and heart, to the formation. These two vocations, married life and priestly vocation, are the same in many ways but they are different on how we act on it.

To be Realistic
There are a small number of men who answer God’s call in the religious life. As one can notice, one state of life is prominent among us and that is the Married life. The reason behind this is the fact that young men and women are more inclined to having romantic relationship. This is a strong driving force that is inherent with us. God created man and woman together and willed each for the other (CCC 371). Thus, seminarians are not exempted to this kind of driving force that leads them to be attracted to women. As man as they are, they have also a privilege to be with someone whom they care for, whom they are comfortable with, whom they love most. But the question is, is this a right action to be done by a seminarian?

The Struggle
Every seminarian knows that being in the formation and choosing the path of priesthood will entail a lot of sacrifices. Mostly, the struggle of every seminarian in this matter is when their “will and want” and the seminary formation rules will clash. The point is, the struggle begins when they have decided to commit into a relationship with someone without proper discernment, and they are trying to live ‘a double life.’ Seminary rules are given not to be imposed but it is given as a guide for a day to day living which allows every seminarian to be more disciplined and attuned to the formation. Vocation to the priesthood is not just about following a set of rules. It is about listening to the voice of the one who called you from the past, present, and in the future—God. If a seminarian would take the formation lightly and will not be serious about the vocation he freely chose, the tendency is that he will also entertain things that are not related to his vocation and as a result he will lose track of the path he has chosen to take.

Try to Think
Is it possible that a seminarian will have a girlfriend while he is in the formation? Can a seminarian attain his goal genuinely when it comes to his priestly formation and at the same time have a romantic relationship to a woman while he is in the formation?

To answer the first question. It is a YES and a NO. If we are only talking about the possibility, it is yes, this possibility could be brought to its reality. We could not escape from the reality that there are some seminarians who had romantic relationships before. It is a no, in a sense that, if a seminarian knows the value of his calling and it is already clear to him that the priesthood is the vocation that he wants. Even if this kind of strong temptation is in front of him, with such discipline, love and dedication to the vocation, the seminarian could avoid this possibility.

For the second question. A seminarian cannot genuinely attain his goal to become a priest. I do believe in the saying that, “What you are as a seminarian is what you also become as a priest”. The ordination to priesthood does not change you at all as a person. The ordination to the priesthood is not a magical happening. The person, after ordination, stays as he is. When it comes to romantic relationship, the idea of it as genuine is not close to true. It is easy for a man or a seminarian to utter the words “I love you”, “I care for you”, and “I want you”. Though it may seem authentic for a woman hearing those words but if we try to look on the other side, the seminarian’s commitment and sincerity to the woman is already distorted. Words are easy to utter but real and authentic actions are hard to find. A seminarian who happens to commit himself to the formation and also having relationship to a woman is like “liar”. And the man who lies to someone also lies to himself and listens to his own lies to the point that he cannot distinguish what is the truth around him, within him, and all aspects that he is dealing with. Moreover, he has no respect to the person whom he had lied to—because he ceases to love and he only thinks of himself.

Conclusion
Finally, as a seminarian, it is not bad to love. Love is part of our nature. Love must be acknowledged in many ways and angles. Sometimes we believe that our emotion is who we are but it is not that way at all—it is a trap. We can get trapped in our emotions until they become our identity and until we become lost in our directions. Most importantly, it is not hard to decide what we want in our life. What is hard is figuring out what we are willing to give up and what we are willing to sacrifice. Courting a girl is not encouraged and is not appropriate for a seminarian. And if a seminarian would like to have a romantic relationship, he himself must know that the seminary is not a formation house for married life but for the priesthood. The outside world is more appropriate place for him. (Sem. Angelo C. Espinas)