To the first man who broke my heart

Dear KNOT,

We live in a patriarchal society. We look at our fathers as the head of the family. For some, their fathers are their heroes… Their protector… The first man that a daughter loves… Their strength… As for me, it is the opposite. My father was the first man who broke my heart… My tormentor… The first man I hated.

My father was an alcoholic and a smoker. There was never a day in my younger years nga dili mahubog ang among amahan. And there was never a day, too, nga among panimalay peaceful every time mahubog siya. Mura man gud ug sudlan ug laing espiritu among amahan kung mahubog na siya. I grew up seeing and hearing all the abuse towards my mother — physically, emotionally, psychologically, financially. And I hated my mother for marrying a man like him and I hated her more for staying in the marriage through the years. Nakaingon ko sa akong kaugalingon, “Mao ba ning giingon sa marriage vows nga sa kasakit ug kalipay?” Wala namo na experience ang magkatapok sa kan-anan in any meal of the day. Kay kung maabtan mi sa among amahan, posible unya nga manglupad ang among mga plato, kaldero ug uban pa which may lead to eating nothing. I never experienced celebrating birthdays, or any kind of celebrations as it could be the reason nga magkagubot mi sa balay. So, kung moabot akong birthday, I only had one wish, “magbulag na unta sila Mama ug Papa.”

When Mama changed her religion, ni times two ang kagubot sa balay. His forms of abuses became worse. Feeling nako atong panahona, “mao na ning impyerno sa yuta.” Naay mga panahon nga manglayas mi ni Mama sa balay para lang malikayan ang kagubot. Makitulog mi sa among relatives pero niabot pud ang panahon nga dili na sila mosugot nga didto mi modagan sa ila kay basin madamay kuno sila. I didn’t like going home after school. School was my home in those years, my other world. Until one day, Papa threatened to kill my mother in front of me. Naggunit na ug kutsilyo akong amahan, ready to kill. And there I was, about to witness the crime my father would have committed. But God saved my mother. Somehow, God also saved me that day. Those were the days of our chaotic lives.

Papa died last 2016. I admit, there was never a talk about reconciliation between us. But I didn’t know what happened to me, I served him in the last days of his life. I took care of him when he was at the hospital. Encouraged him to get his strength back. During my last visit sa iyaha, while massaging his legs, he looked at me and I saw tears in his eyes. It was the first time nga nakita nako nga nihilak akong amahan. That maybe was his way of saying sorry. The day when we buried him, I let him go together with all the pains he gave me. And I chose to remember the good things he had done for me. In his wallet, there were only two pictures in it, mine and my niece’s. His two favorite people in the family. An affirmation of his love for me.

I didn’t expect it would come, the healing I prayed for years. I didn’t expect to mourn for his passing, and to miss him. And today, I pay tribute to the man who might have left me so many scars, but these scars became my strength. I thank him for that roller-coaster ride as he left me on-hand experiences I will never get from others. And I thank the Lord, for helping me to forgive the first man who broke me.

To all the daughters out there who might have the same experience like me, I am praying for you. One day, you’ll also be healed… In God’s time… It will never be an easy battle, but surrender everything to the greatest father we have, our God up there.

Love and prayers,
Papa’s girl

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Dear Papa’s girl,

Ako’y nalunglungkot sa lahat nang sakit na pinagdaanan mo sa kamay ng iyong ama. Ngunit tayo ay naniniwala na ang lahat ng bagay ay may kanya-kanyang nakatakdang panahon. At ito ay nangyayari in God’s time. Ang iyong karanasan, lalo na ang mga katapusang araw ng iyong ama, ay isang pangyayari na kung saan nabigyan kayong mag-ama ng Panginoon ng isang pagkakataon na ipadama sa isa’t isa ang pagmamahal na matagal nang nakatago sa kaibuturan ng inyong mga puso. This love was just laid beneath the violence, anger, pains and frustrations in your life and was only waiting to be unleashed in God’s time.

Ginamit ng Panginoon ang karamdaman ng iyong ama upang ikaw ay makapagsilbi sa kanya. As you massaged his legs, with all tenderness and compassion, as you encouraged him to continue the fight to live, that hatred was turned into love. I am sure those gestures pierced your father’s whole being, made him realize that the daughter she had been hurting loves him after all, in spite of everything. And this brought tears in his eyes. At the same time it was his opportunity to convey his remorse, that he was sorry for inflicting such pain to his beloved child.

Forgiveness heals. Forgiveness liberates us from the heavy burdens we carry. It sets us free so that peace and inner joy may reign in our hearts. Thank God for this gift of forgiveness, Papa’s girl. I do pray your Papa is happily resting in God’s Kingdom because all is well that ends well. I do pray that the man who broke your heart, with God’s unceasing love, will henceforth continue to watch over you and protect you as you journey in this life, savoring those beautiful memories of his last days. Pray to him even as you pray for him.

God bless you more.

Cheng and Ate Emily/KNOT program,
DXGN 89.9 Spirit FM-Davao, Monday to Friday, 1-3 pm.