Don’t Use these One-liners

Some said my paper on the art of public speaking was too soft. Some even wrote what they really wanted to say but couldn’t because they could be fired. Some of their sayings, dripping with sarcasm, are as follows:

1. Class

• He was accepted into an exclusive club, but only because they needed someone to snub.
• She is the finest woman that ever walked the street. The only thing cultured about her is her pearls.

2. Incompetence

• His only purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.
• He has a good family tree, but the crop is a failure.
• He is completely unspoiled by failure.
• He has delusions of adequacy.
• I know you take pride in being the voice of the common masa, but the truth is, some are entitled to special privileges. They’re called the winners. That’s how the world goes.
• The only decent impression he can do is of a man with no talent.
• He’s a man with no equals—only superiors.
• He is living proof that practice does not make perfect.
• Failure has gone to his head.
• He is very original; he makes a new mistake every day.
• He has that rare gift of trying to make his way through the world by pushing all the doors marked “Pull.”
• In the drive of life, he will never get a ticket for speeding.
• He has an inferiority complex, but not a very good one.
• He is the sort of man who gives failure a bad name.
• The only skill he has greatly developed is the art of being obnoxious.
• He started at the bottom and stayed there.
• If they gave out medals for losers, he would be the valedictorian—meritissimus sobresaliente, super summa cum laude.
• They say she’s got a promising voice; maybe she will take notice and promise to stop singing.
• He took an IQ test, and the results were negative.
• His mind is wonderfully clear, but only because it is not filled up with facts.
• He is an experiment in artificial stupidity.
• He always speaks his mind, so usually, he is silent.
• He is as bright as a blackout.