Decoding Technical Terms

I cannot decipher some of the weather reports because some words/phrases are too weird/mystical. These are some of my “guessterpretations” of the weather jargon.

1. Southeasterly gusty winds = might rain
2. Southwest monsoon is intensifying = might rain
3. Intertropical convergence zone = might rain
4. Cloudy Skies with overcast = might rain
5. High humidity with great precipitation = might rain
6. Stormy weather = might rain
7. Thunder, lightning possible rain clouds = might rain
8. Big black rain cloud on top of me = will rain
9. Typhoon signal 1 in Metro Manila = no rain in Davao
10. Typhoon will hit Davao tonight = Quezon Boulevard Trading will be flooded
11. Amihan – Habagat = Windy, Sunny, Choppy Sea
12. L.P.A. – Low Pressure Area = Sunny-cloudy-rain

Other obtuse mysterious unfathomable gobbledygook:

1. Enhanced iodized, fortified, elixir = mineral water
2. Human anti-dehydration liquid = plain tap water
3. Fire retardant = Fire proof but not human retardant proof, meaning stupid/ careless persons can cause fires
4. Kindly ask for assistance = Don’t touch anything
5. Delicate, handle with care = Don’t touch anything
6. Highly sensitive = Don’t touch anything
7. Don’t fold spindle or mutilate = Don’t touch anything
8. Unlimited career enhancement placement = send him to Jolo before he can cause more damage to the company.
9. Brilliant charismatic take charge guy = harmless, don’t disturb him and he won’t disturb you
10. Middle roader open minded Boss = slave driver, stay away from him
11. Non-life threatening surgical procedure = pulling out of tooth
12. By virtue of the fact = because
13. Due to the fact = because
14. In view of the fact= because
15. As matter of fact = In fact
16. Fuera = As in “Mi Maestra Es Muy Bonita, Fuera Buyag Y Fuera Gaba”