Specially Made For Specials

Proverbs 31:25: “She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.” When God created Mother, He must have in mind a woman with so much love, care, patience and strength. No other being can bear the pain and joy when a mother gives birth to her child. I am Nancy, and I am a proud mother of 2 Autistic daughters, Agyness and Amanda. Agyness was diagnosed at the age of 1 year and 7 months while Amanda, 2 years and 6 months, both have Autism Spectrum Disorder. When their doctors told me with their diagnosis, I would be a hypocrite if I would say I didn’t question God. But my question was not “What have I done wrong?” or “I am really that sinful?” But I asked God: “Do you really trust me that much?”

The first time I encountered a child with Autism was back when I was 8. Our new neighbor had an autistic son but I was too young to understand his condition. All I know is he seems to have his own world and would never play with us. In college, I had a friend whose nephew has autism and with few encounters with him it got my interest and it became the subject of my college thesis. Never did I realize God was already preparing me for a bigger role and autism will be part of my life forever.

When the doctors told me and my husband Angelo what we should do to help our daughters from their developmental delays, I did not entertain rants, nor denial because I know time is one of our enemies. We have to do what we need to do to help our girls. My life as a mother changed 360 degrees. All my dreams, plans and what I have envisioned on how I can have a mother-daughter relationship and goals have to change.

I used to teach in the Gulf Region and both of my girls were born there. Raising children with autism for expats like me on that side of the world is very expensive and extra challenging especially if you don’t have relatives or community support. That is why my husband and I decided to send them back to Davao and eventually settled here despite the promising career we have to give up and the uncertainty of starting from scratch. Being with them is our foremost priority. And I never regretted that decision.

As my daughters are growing, a lot of challenges came and the reality that these challenges are never ending. I have to deal with a series of sensory issues (biting, tip-toeing, head banging, flapping, etc.), their obsessions, manipulative behaviors, attention deficits, hyperactivity, social issues, communication barriers, melt downs, name it, I have experienced it all. Not to mention my dilemma of their physical changes upon entering puberty stage.

I will be honest; I had my episodes too. Mommy Nancy also had her moments. But I try to remind myself I am also human with physical and mental needs and I have to understand that I get tired and exhausted. I could never count how many times I have cried in the bathroom or at the corner of our bedroom with the lights off just to release my frustrations and anger whenever my daughters had their tantrums. I could never count how many times I called or messaged my sisters about how mad I was when Agyness would show no care about her body and there was nothing I could do to convince her. Or Amanda would never stop screaming, manifest manipulative behavior and will try to hit herself without minding my temper. It is in these moments of episodes when reality bites me: “Hey! Nancy, you are not always in control!” My sister will always tell me to offer to God my frustrations and know that as much as I want to be in control, my daughters are also fighting for their own frustrations. There may be times that they have limited understanding or their reception takes too long but they are struggling as well.

Despite all these challenges, one of the things I am thankful about my daughters is they are very truthful with their feelings. They will never lie about what they feel and they know what they need. No matter how many times I get mad at them, they are always affectionate and never instill resentment on me nor my husband. I guess this is one blessing I will always cherish.

I am just fortunate and thankful to God; He gave me a very understanding and patient husband. Though he never had an idea what autism was until we had our daughters nor had an experience living with female siblings but whenever I have my episodes, he knows how to comfort me and remind me of our limitations as parents and how much we can only do. Family support was also our best asset. Our extended families were always there to give their time and effort whenever needed. They also educated themselves for them to understand and learn how to deal with my daughters’ issues, because of this I am truly grateful.

My girls are still young and I know I still have a lot of things to learn from them. Our journey is still long but I am comforted God will bless me and my husband with all the help we will be needing. I will never forget the statement of the mother of my student who also has autism during a Parent-Teacher Conference. She said: “Miss Nancy, though our road may be tough but remember God already gave us tickets to heaven, it is for us now if we want to avail it or not.” I cried when I heard this, it hit me big time. Yes indeed, God has already offered me and my husband our tickets to heaven, and that is our daughters. They brought the best and worst in me, they challenged me like no other people can but they also love me unconditionally and without any question I will always be their Mommy Nancy whom they will seek for care and love.

God has His mysterious ways of preparing mothers for special children. The strength, courage and patience I have for girls are beyond my comprehension. Most of my friends would say: “If I am in your shoes, I might not have the same energy you have. Basi nabuang na ko!” I just laugh at these usual comments, but in my moments of discernment and reflection, I know God has prepared me for these two special angels long before I have them. (Nancy Joyno Pavia)