To be Perfect in Love

One of the time wasters in life according to a time management article, is one’s extreme desire to be perfect. For many people, perfectionism is a goal in life. Anything below the level of flawlessness is a failure. However, in reality, it is a long shot. We are far from perfect and life during the pandemic is characterized by limitations and uncertainties.

In scriptures (Matthew 5:48), we are reminded to “be perfect, as your Father in heaven is perfect.” Yet the perfection of God is marked from the preceding text: ‘Love your enemies that you may be sons of your Father which is in heaven; for He make His sun to shine on the evil and the good: Be therefore perfect, as your Father in heaven is perfect.’

During my seminary days, I have this strong desire to do the best I can in whatever is assigned to me. Whether it was in cleaning the restrooms or arranging flowers in the altar, I wanted to be perfect. Then in one of my individual consultations (IC) with my then novice master, Fr. Rey Capili, SSS, he told me “You seem to be doing your best in all these. However, the question is – have you seen God?”

Just recently, I met a person who seems to be doing a lot of things to prove to himself and to the people around that he can do it. This results into exhaustion and being depleted (“kapoy na ko kaayo!”). I told him that more than doers, we are human beings who desire to be better versions of ourselves. This is the real goal! Sometimes, we do many things to be noticed and loved by significant people around us. The truth is we are not loved because we do many extra-ordinary things. We are to be loved hopefully, because people genuinely know who we are.

The perfection of God is His love and mercy. It is in love that we are to be perfect, even as our Father is perfect.

In an article “Perfectionist Traits: Do These Sound Familiar?” by Elizabeth Scott, it is said that “Perfectionists tend to set high goals and work hard toward them. They will accept nothing less than perfection. “Almost perfect” is seen as failure. They tend to spot mistakes and imperfections. They hone in on imperfections and have trouble seeing anything else. They’re more judgmental and hard on themselves and on others when “failure” does occur.”

In the Enneagram, perfectionist’s assigned number is 1. The desire to be perfect stems from a feeling of inadequacy. We should realize that sincere people will love us for who/what we are, for ourselves, not for anything else. The desire to be perfect puts a strain on the person because of unnecessary pressure on the self.

We have embraced the concept of perfectionism for so long. We think that people will only love us when we are at our best. So we work hard to achieve this. However, we may have a mistaken notion of being perfect. We often think that there is nothing wrong with it. But as the kid in the Filipino movie “Anak” said “Akala mo lang wala, pero meron, meron!”

Since the start of the global crisis, we have been invited to be more loving and more forgiving. Let us give this world a breather and fill it with the clean air of love, not the virus of perfectionism.

(Dr. Nelson de Castro Magnaye is a dentist by profession. Armed with a Master’s degree in Family Ministry & Counseling from the Ateneo de Manila University, he is currently a guidance advocate at the Ateneo de Davao University. He is also a recollection facilitator and motivational speaker. He may be reached at ndmagnaye@gmail.com)