Lost Goodbye…Grieving Long Distance for Mama

A daughter misses the chance to say goodbye to her mother and discovers through her wailing grief a journey of quieting down, of healing and of grace.

At the height of the pandemic, I would often ask my college students this question, “Paano Ka Binago Ng Pandemyang Ito?” Never did I think that on January 27, 2021, I myselft would confront this very same question with the quiet death and passing on to eternal life of my beloved Mama, Mrs. Lydia Ong Fernandez, in Carcar, Cebu.

I remember vividly her last night on earth. I was in the midst of my Synchronous Class online with my Tuesday Group. Suddenly, I felt the urge to call Sr. Angel of the Padre Pio Sisters of Tugbok. I told her gently, “please do for Mama Lads what you did for my aunt, Mommy Gar. Palihug ko og Online Chaplet Prayer ug pagtugyan kaniya sa Diyos, Sister.” As I went on with my ASF class, tears were falling from my eyes and I had to turn off my camera every now and then. Earlier at 3pm, my Mom had requested for a priest to come to our Burgos Home because according to Nanay Marites, Mama said, “Tess, gikapoy nako. I want to confess.” By God’s Grace, Mama received the Holy Sacraments of Penance and Holy Anointing. She then requested for her nails to be cut and told Joan, my foster sister, where her best dress and undergarments were. My Mom was ready to go Home to the Father. But I wasn’t ready for that.

Why would I be ready to let her go when I am here in the far-flung island of Mindanao doing my Youth Ministry? We were scheduled to celebrate her 83rd birthday on Febuary 18, 2021 but God had other plans. God knew that my Mom was getting tired already. She was suffering from Leg Cellulitis but she refused to be brought to the hospital for fear of contracting Covid instead.

My cousin Jonathan Loreche, a medical doctor, took care of my Mom through tele-consultation. He did everything he could. But on January 27, 2021, at around 3am, my Mom woke up to pray her chaplet, asked to be cleaned up, took her medicine and just like that quietly left us.

My foster sister, Joan Lantape Pantilgan, was privileged enough to have held Mama one last time because my Mom died in her loving arms. The phone call came at 4am and I wailed like a child knowing that on this saddest day of my life I had officially become an orphan! Fatherless since July 26,1989 and now orphaned in 2021.

Mom died in Carcar, Cebu while I was here in Davao City. How could I go home and say goodbye one last time? Due to Covid restrictions, I could not even reach her funeral because of the 14-day quarantine requirement. And so I had to make the saddest decision I’ve ever made in my life: that I wouldn’t go home to Cebu to say my last goodbye to Mom!

Since January 27 this year up to today, my grief and bereavement journey has been most difficult. I needed to go home but I couldn’t. I needed a real hug but only socially-distanced hugs would suffice for the moment. And so how did I cope?

I went home to Ignatian Spirituality. After all, I was privileged to be a Jesuit Lay Collaborator as an ASF College Formator. Now, I am experiencing the beauty of quieting down through the daily prayerful Examen of Consciousness and the Prayer Awareness of Grief and Loneliness. For the next 40 days and nights, I did just that. I quieted down. I cried my tears. I knelt in prayer. I prayed my Chaplet. I went on a retreat with Fr. Tony Basilio, SJ. I painted all the empty egg shells in the house. I found solace in art and music. I went home to God. I went home to Prayer.

I gathered all of my Mom’s belongings left here in my own Uraya home: her last pair of slippers, the watch she gave me, the Holy Face of Jesus stampita the Rosary from the Padre Pio Sisters, her last pink hanky. I made a little altar at home. I replicated her lapida and every Monday I would try to order a dozen of red roses to put on the last glass she gave us which I turned into a vase. All these became my expressions of grief.

Paano ako binago ng pandemyang ito?

I have become more grateful. I choose to say thank you even if my eyes swell with tears and my heart is full of pain and grief. I have become more prayerful. I listen to Don Moen, Ron Kenoly and Marty Nystrom plus the Jesuits’ own playlist. I have become more loving and compassionate. I choose to give more. I have adopted more kids in our neighborhood and feed them, give them books, coloring materials and snacks on a daily basis. I choose to be more empathetic and compassionate because I know that other people are facing harder battles than my own.

I still cry once in a while. I just terribly miss my Mom. For all of my life in Mindanao, she was always my best friend, confidant, daily conversation buddy. Most of all, she was my greatest Prayer Warrior. In fact, I recall our last conversation over the phone on that Tuesday night at 8:30 pm. I told her, “I love you, Mama. Please pray for me. I still have 5 other ASF classes this week. And she replied, “I love you, Anak. Yes, I will pray for you.”

I am convinced that I now have a Prayer Warrior in Heaven in my Mom. Everything has fallen into place and my lost goodbye has become a wonderful journey of grief, healing and grace.

Ad Majorem Dei Gloriam!

(Frances Nina Fernandez Bitang is a catechist, team builder and pro-life advocate. She is a college formator and a teacher at the Ateneo de Davao University – High School.)