Your will be done not mine

Dear KNOT,

“Ayaw sa Lord. P’wede na Lord.” Mao ni akong ampo sa Ginoo, oras bag-o siya kuhaon ni Lord.

Ako si JAYLORD, 30 years old. Kamanghuran sa 5 ka mag igsoon. Grabe akong krisis last year. Na confine ko for 2 months tungod sa usa ka sakit nga mismong ako, wa kabantay.

Pag gawas nako, si mama nasad akong gisulod sa ICU, dayon human nakagawas ug usa ka bulan, gibalik nasad nako siya kay lahi nasad iyang gibati. Diabetic na siya maong kinahanglan na nakong mu resign aron nay mubantay niya ug makapahulay sad ko sa akong stress-related nga gibati.

Ako nalang sad ang kauban nila mama ug papa sa balay, maong ako tanan ang naga atiman sa ilang panginahanglan. Ako sad ang ilang ginasangpit kung di maayo ilang panglawas.

Wa pa gani ko mahuman sa pag atiman sa akong mama nga gasulod-gawas sa ospital, si papa giatake sa usa ka balatian nga first time rapud niyang na experience niadtong miaging bulan.

Paspas kayo ang pag develop sa cancer cells sa iyang lawas DJ Cheng. We resorted to various means pero 4 sa 5 ka doctor nga akong nasangpit miingon nga, iuli nalang daw namo si papa sa balay and build good memories. Gusto nako muhilak ug musiyagit kay naa sa 2nd flr. si papa, n’ya si mama, naa sa 1st floor naka confine. Kabalo na baya ta unsa kamahal run ang pagpa ospital niya bag-o pa ko nagsugod sa kong bag-ong business.

Pero maayo ang GINOO, nagpadala siya ug blessings bag-o pa man nako gikinahanglan. Ang akong business partner nag tunol kanako sa budget nga gikinahanglan maong na-discharge si papa.

Human sa 2 ka adlaw, nakagawas na pud si mama. Ug didto sa balay, sulod sa usa, my greatest agony started. Dili man nako gusto madunggan ilang panag istorya, pero natingala man lang ko na puro goodbye na. Mao sad ni ang ilang conversation tong na-confine si papa niadtong December. Isip anak, sakit sa akoa nga maminaw.

Namatay si papa DJ Cheng nga naa ko sa iyang kiliran sa balay. Dugay pa nako na absorb nga wala na siya nag-ginhawa. Wa sad ko kabalo unsaon pag-ingon kang mama. Sa dihang nigawas s’ya aron pakan-on mi, siya mismo ang nakasaksi nga patay na akong papa. Didto na ko nihilak. Apan niingon si mama, nga ako gani daw ang nag-remind nga ‘death is a victorious happening kay b-day nato na sa heaven’. Pero di man jud namo mapugngan.

Kahinumdum ko bag-o siya nipanaw nianang gabhiona, nag istorya pa mi. Daghan siyang habilin. Sa kahilum, niana ko, GINOO, AYAW SA S’YA KUHAA. Apan, sa pikas bahin, di na nako siya kaya mag antus kay palliative care nalang iyang ginadawat. Di na nagatalab ang pain killer niya. Inihap nalang sad iyang ginhawa. So, niingon sad ko, “Lord, kuhaa nalang akong amahan.”

Amo ng ilubong si papa next week. Wala pa ko kahuman sa akong mama kay magpaopera pa daw siya ingon sa doctor apan naguol mi kay di na daw siya gusto kay wala nadaw rason nga mutaas pa iyang kinabuhi.

Pray for me and pray for us. Thy will be done, Lord. Salamat sa trials maskin di na ko kasabot.

Love,

Jaylord

* * * * * *

Dear Jaylord,

The crisis you are going through reminds me of this statement: “Sometimes when it rains, it pours.” Your situation is not just a usual rain but a heavy downpour, even likened to a storm, if I may say so. Any ordinary mortal would be downtrodden and tempted to question God’s purpose for allowing such a storm to be blowing your faith head on. “Why me? Why us? What have we done to deserve all these?” are but some of barrage of questions you may have asked Him. Through it all you may have struggled between “Thy will be done and my will be done, O Lord.”

There may even have been intense bargaining with God as part of your prayers but in the end, His will prevails.

Indeed no one can fathom God’s plan for each one of us, limited as we are. However, even in the midst of the storm, God never abandons His people. His grace is sufficient for us to weather the storm. In fact, just as you had experienced, He sent someone to provide you with financial assistance even before you actually needed it. Yes, God knows our needs way ahead of our own awareness. Yes, He gives us our daily bread in many ways and forms. It may be consoling words from friends to lift our drooping spirits, or material /financial help, presence of loved ones, etc. One just needs to trust His providence in His own perfect time, in His own perfect ways.

Your parents’ openness and acceptance about journeying back to the Heavenly Home is a grace and a blessing in itself. This is a crucial factor in letting go and this could be the greatest act of love you can extend to them… allowing God to take over from then on and eventually they will be enjoying God’s eternal presence.

Surely you will miss your father. However, if you come to think of it, he is just a prayer away. Believe me, he can do more for you while he is there, than while he is on his limited life here on earth. He will be watching over you and your mama. You already have an intercessor up there, a reason to thank God after all.

Yes, we continue to pray for you and your family left behind. May all these trials deepen and strengthen your faith in Him. May you find meaning in all these trials and praying that Mama Mary will always be there at your side.

God bless you.

Love,
Ate Emily Madrona and DJ Cheng