It’s all about God

Finishing graduate school was one of my impossible dreams. But our God is the God of impossibilities. He makes the impossible things possible. The journey was tough but it’s worth sharing. Let me share to you a glimpse of what I’ve been through in the graduate school and how I’ve known the Lord deeper.
It was my last semester (October 2013-March 2014) in the graduate school. Part of graduating requisites is for us face the giants of thesis-making. I started my thesis with doubts. I doubted my capacity to work on it. I know I’m limited in all aspects. But God fueled me by reminding me of His conversation with Moses (Exodus 3-4). When God calls you to do something, He will surely enable you to do so. He will give everything you need. It is never about our capacity to make things happen, but God’s ability to do it for us. You just have to trust Him. So I started my paper with confidence in Lord. It went smoothly from outline defense to data gathering. He provided for me financially. He sent people to help me with my survey. It was all “grace”, for I received God-given favors I do not deserve. God is so good.
I was preparing for my final defense when I had this wishful thought of getting a grade of 1.25-1.0 for my thesis. Getting that grade would mean I will be graduating with flying colors. I will be awarded with dean’s citation. (Requirements for Dean’s Citation: maximum of 3 years residency, 1.25 general average for academic subjects with no grade lower than 1.5 and thesis grade of 1.25 and above). I am qualified in the first three requirements and I have one left to qualify myself- a thesis grade of 1.25. I did a serious conversation with the Lord telling Him that this is my chance to prove myself. I missed the chance once when I didn’t graduate as cum laude in college because of a disqualifying grade from a single subject. I don’t want the history to repeat itself. Nonetheless, I will still be graduating regardless of what my grade will be. Getting a dean’s citation is a miracle.
Hours before my final defense, my knees were shaking. I’m excited and nervous, quite apprehensive and fearful. All I want is to end that moment. Final defense went through and it was time for deliberation. Then, I received my grade. Theoretically, you’d be happy and thankful for at last it is done. I am finally graduating. I earned the degree. The sleepless nights were over. But my happiness was superficial. I was disappointed and ungrateful. I failed my own expectation and standard of excellence. Instead of celebrating, I grieved. I grieved for I lost the chance again. I knew to myself I could do more. I could’ve pushed harder. I thought I was disappointed with myself and I disappointed God. But God surfaced another fact that was going on inside me, which I was slow to admit. It took me three weeks after my final defense to admit this “I WAS DISAPPOINTED WITH GOD”. My heart was complaining instead of being thankful. I was not contented. It’s just a proof how sinful my heart goes when it comes to getting awards and recognition.
I was reminded of the Israelites when Moses was leading them to the promise land. The Lord God sent them Manna to eat, a shade under the heat of the sun, and light in the evening. It was God who freed them from the slavery of Egypt. It was God who showed wonders to them and they have seen it with their bare eyes. They were witnesses of God’s power and providence. Still they managed to complain and grumble against God, they were given Manna to eat but they wanted meat. They were ungrateful, unsatisfied, forgetful people.
Who gave me wisdom? Who gave me riches? strength? favor? Who gave me everything I need? Who was with me all throughout this graduate school adventure? Isn’t it God? The moment God brought these truths to me, it was the exact same moment I became genuinely grateful. It was never about me, about my achievement, about awards and recognitions. It is about experiencing God in the process. It is about knowing His heart for you. It is about knowing the Lord personally deeper than ever. It is about having intimate relationship with Him as we go through process of life. It is about trusting Him, for He knows better the wisdom behind his plans. It is about magnifying His glory in your life. It is about Him.
As this chapter of my life ends, I was affirmed by these truths: God knows our need. He provides. He knows our weaknesses. He strengthens. He knows our doubts. He gives faith. Everything we are going through and will go through is planned by God. All for us to acknowledge Him, know Him, and ultimately to have relationship with Him through Jesus Christ.
“For all things work together for good for those who love God and called according to His purpose” Romans 8:28
“He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it”
Philippians 1:6

Joyly Apud
USEP graduate 
Batch 2014